Jim Gaffigan - Holiday Traditions

The first segment is very timely... not to mention hilarious.
Merry Christmas t.c Readers!

Holiday Eating Tips.

1.   Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Chris tmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Chris tmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips.

 

Women's Athletic Club of Chicago.

Michigan Ave. from the 7th Floor ballroom.

Michigan Avenue, all lit up.

It's hard not to like this street of consumerism when it's in its
Holiday best. (I don't mind it anyways)

Chicago Bagel Authority.

This is the place I go to right from the airport/L. Great sandwiches,
so many to choose from, heated with steam. Try it, on Armitage.

Beat this!

If you can or dare!

Wondrous Punch, Red Dragon; Minneapolis, MN

So, you may have heard about this place in Uptown that has pools of pink vomit outside of it nearly every weekend. Or maybe you din't know quite where you lost it last night and can't figure out how you got home (or not home).

This place and drink is the culprit. If you scroll really really fast, it'll look like a flip-book. (and you may want to puke again).


> this is the drink that causes all the trouble, aptly named 'Wondorous Punch'. At $10.25, you may think you're being ripped off, but after seeing what goes into it, you may want the price to go up (so you don't buy any).


> it starts off innocently enough, a big, handsome, glass of ice - easy peasy


> then the bartender (who looks like he could be an MMA fighter) starts off with the "light rum". now I know the pics look like I took them in a poorly lit bar, which is good b/c i did, but he's got TWO bottles of light rum. Shots one and two

> then add the "dark rums". yes, Mary, he's adding two more shots of rum. that's shots three and four, still in just one glass per person. and you maybe thinking, "I'll want to drink that?". yes, you will... at least for the first couple

> finally, some common sense into the drinks (I mean, I can't drink four shots of rum, can I?): a splash of OJ and a splash of, what appeared to be, grenadine. it gives the drink a nice camoflaugue, this-isn't-four-shots-of-rum look

> pretty little maids, all in a row (movie quote reference, anyone?)

> he's giving out the last two. 5 more people will be under the spell of wondrous punch soon enough

To be fair, I did have one whole drink. It nearly killed me and the next day I was not fully functional until 3PM. They sneak up on you. Finally, don't forget to have dinner there first... mmmm, Polynesian food! (no, not really)