Have a Coronary Weekend.

If you're like me, you often wonder how you'll fill the time on the weekends. You could get some exercise in, you could take care of some projects around the house, you could hit the mega-mall or outlet mall for some things you don't need, or you could visit friends in the city you're in or in a state you don't get to often.

But, if you feel like you've done enough of that (or finished all of those by the time Sunday rolls around)... here's something to consider for next weekend. Why not try to eat yourself into a small, really minor, probably-won't-even-hurt-much, almost rejuvenating, heart attack!?!? Think of all the free time you'll have in your hospital bed, all the people that will get in touch with you again (on Facebook), and how good of an excuse you'll have not to go into work on Monday morning.

Here's what the menu looks like... just off the top of my head:


Have you heard of these already? The food scientists at Doritos have figured out how to take "real beef flavor" and all the other flavors of a McDonald's cheeseburger and place that seasoning cocktail onto a chip. (I have not found this spice blend in the McCormick section though)

I have to say - they nailed it! If you don't smile when you bite into the first one, I'll eat another half bag as punishment. And that's only because the chips, beginning around 15 to 20, start tasting a bit off... and then you throw the bag away before finishing. But, you have to finish this bag if you want the rest of the plan to pay off. With this, approximately 2oz bag, you'll get over 300 calories and a bunch of fat, plus that real beef flavor.


Ok, the snacks over. Now it's time for the main course. Did you already beat me to the (gut) punch on this one too? This is KFC's new Double Down. There's so much fried goodness and nitrates on this badboy that they didn't have room for a bun. You can grab one for each hand and then have a chicken breast AND a slice of bacon to clog each chamber of your heart. (that's both four chicken breasts and four slices of bacon - yes!!!).

Coincidentally, KFC's new strategy to differentiate themselves from other fast food competitors by sourcing all their new menu item ideas from drunk college kids is really paying off. It's been greenlighted in a college town near you - Cheers!


Did you think I would forget those with a sweet tooth (guilty!) - Finish off your coronary masterpiece (pun intended) with this super-frosty Cinnabon CinnaPretzel. And don't forget to dip each bite in the extra shotglass of frosting. Uhhh, yum!!! Oh how the German bakers from the old country are turning over in their graves.

Grab one of each...or heck, as many as you can actually grab, down them as fast as possible, and you could be dead by morning! But by-golly, it'll be an All-American death (and these menu items will provide a modicum of preservation for your body).